Yes, No, Maybe?

A friend and I recently caught up for lunch. She's just returned from a year and a half of partying, working and... stuff overseas and is experiencing a bit of excitement withdrawal. Her theory is that this sense of isolation comes when you return to your home city and discover that everyone you know is going about their daily grind without much fanfare and definitely without the time to party so hard that they wake up in a gutter with a stranger standing over them rifling through their pockets to find ID and inform the next of kin. I think I know what she means - when the first thing you do of a Saturday is wake up and reach for twitter so you can see what exciting thing has been happening to OTHER people overnight, you know you've got problems. My friend has decided that the remedy for this is not to cry daily and eat her weight in chocolate while watching The Bachelor reruns but instead, she's going to go out and... wait for it... make new friends. SHUT THE EFF UP! I mean, the woman's over the age of 30 - where in God's green earth does she expect to meet these freaks - I mean, new friends? I'll tell you where! The interweb. Yes, you read right, the world wide web - home to online shopping, Nigerian credit card scams and pedophiles alike. Quite the fishing grounds for new confidantes? Hmmmm....

Now, I've got friends (it's true!) but it's an unfortunate fact that half of my very best friends live interstate while the other half are... well, vegan. Anyway, my point here is that maybe I should take the plunge and expand my own friendship horizons. I mean, I like stuff, you know like watching movies, writing blogs and sex outdoors, so I'd say I have a lot to offer a new friend. There's a website called "meetup" that I've been directed to explore and it's, shall we say, very accommodating. It's like shopping for accessories at Diva - it costs nothing AND you can find friends to go with any outfit and take to any occasion. Into being a runway model - OMFG me too! Let's purge together like real besties do - would you hold my hair? Harry Potter fan - shut UP! I'd totally love to go wait outside the cinema for two days to buy presale tickets for the new movie with you! Do you eat entire wheels of cheese whilst wearing nappies and being whipped with coriander stalks? Yay! There's a group for you too!

But what group should I join?I've always wanted to ask the big man upstairs a few questions so I paused and considered joining the Conversations with God group or the Singing with God group (I've heard He's awesome at karaoke and does a killer Bon Jovi cover) but I didn't feel it was quite me. I quite enjoy spending money but the Melbourne Cash Flow group looked a little too intense and reliant on power dressing, shoulder pads and giving each other high fives for me... So after trawling through the groups while I was, well let's be honest while I was at work, I found that there's a perfect group for me amongst all of the 100's of possibilities; the Melbourne Vampire Meetup Group. How fucking cutting edge and exciting could I be then? Forget about waking up to check twitter feeds - I'd need to wake up and check if I still have a pulse. Talk about living on the edge! AND, I'm what we call a fuller figured lady so all that black, draped clothing would be H. O. T. and tres slimming. Plus, being a night-dwelling being, I'd still have plenty of time for coffees, brunch and movies with my tanned day-dwelling friends. This is what we call a win-win situation.

What I need help with now is best practice in regards to securing a new bff. I was really hoping that a folded note left on their chair saying "Do you like me - Yes, No, Maybe (please circle!) If yes, how much do you like me? _______________ (please describe)" would do the trick. Alternatively, I had considered making sure I had the very best blood in the group and would use it as leverage to trade with other vamps and make them like me.... no? Making new friends is HARD and TIME CONSUMING and awkwardly URRGH so surely there's some way to cut out all that and just get to the friendship bit... I've got it! It's so simple and was staring me in the face the whole time - I'll wait til all my new vamp buddies are asleep and then stake them all but my one new friend so there's no competition and they'll HAVE to be my friend. Yes, yes. That's what I'll do. What a good friend I will be.... Best Friends forever, and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.... my precious new friend.