Friday, March 18, 2011

An application

Just this week, the soon to be Princess of England, Kate Middleton ursurped the kooky Lady Gaga as the current "style icon that women wish to emulate". As proof of her ascension, knock-offs of the blue wrap dress she announced her engagement in sold out in London in something like 18 minutes. I don't know, though, I'm not convinced that she's the right, you know, woman for us to idolise. I mean, she's smart, patient (hello, the woman waited for her prince for ten friggin' years - he used to have hair), tolerant (princess job description reads: must love old biggots in crowns) and gorgeous looking. Lady Gaga, however, ARRIVED AT THE GRAMMY'S IN A FUCKING EGG CARRIED BY MAN SLAVES!
Your honour, I rest my case.
Now that Prince Willy is in Qld and close by, though, I feel it only pertinent to point out that he could still find a suitably stylish bride here... in Brunswick, Australia. My name is Danielle, your royalness, and I wish to put forward the following application.

Dear (fresh) Prince William
First off let me say, long time fan, first time correspondent. You've always been my favourite prince, even though it's well known your brother would be much better to boof. Something tells me though, his penchant for role-playing in nazi outfits would suck the passion and sanity from any lasting relationship I could have with him... Anyway, I digress.
I am writing to apply to the position of Princess of the United Kingdom and your heart *sigh*. Please allow me to outline my qualifications, herein:
1. I like animals - not all of them of course. Snakes, spiders and things that bite or burrow into flesh aren't on the list of "animals that I heart" and, frankly, neither are cats. But everything else is pretty much ok or edible when smothered in gravy.

2. I am qualified - I studied at no less than TWO universities. Of course, one of them was off-campus and the other one had those inglorious two words "of technology" tacked on at the end of the name like some dag on a sheeps arse... but still, I paid through the nose for those degrees that got me nowhere, so truly they are legitimate qualifications. Also, at this point I should add that I have twice graduated and therefore am practiced at shaking hands - I believe that hand shaking would be required often by me as a princess of the land and, as such, I would confidently excel. For example "Hello, President Obama. It is lovely to meet you (hand shake). Oh my, you have very soft hands... I'm finding it hard to let them go...". Do you see how I will so easily relate to people from all walks of life Willy?

3. All (other) major princessly skills also covered including waving, getting in and out of carriages, riding side saddle, being an humanitarian (I OFTEN donate to the people who collect at traffic lights), eating delicately (I've figured out I'll binge eat before leaving the palace to satiate my hunger. I mean, come on, the portions
that they serve at those state functions look tiny, even after taking into account the five pounds that TV adds on to a plate) and wearing hats.

4. I'm unbelievably, gob-smackingly stylish. Of course, you wouldn't have seen me in the "what's hot" pages because I keep my style on the down low (read: understated to the point of invisible elegance).
So as you can make up your own mind I would like to offer you a Danielle fashion retrospective:

  •  Hot pink Luke Perry t-shirt with matching bike pants and hot pink socks (1992),
  • Blue flannelette shirt with double denim cut-offs and jacket with Terry Emery's blue New York Nets cap (1993) 
  • White vest with a lace back, no bra and navy wide-leg slacks with a black velvet puffed head band (1996)
  • Blue flare jeans and a black lycra top with a halter neck and a key-hole opening in between the breasts (1999). 
  • White, midriff, roll neck jumper with high-waisted jeans and flat, blonde hair (2005)

I could go on, yes, but you can't argue with history, don't you agree 'travelling Will-berries'? (see how i could give you cute nicknames?) I mean, just this weekend I went into a chubby girl shop and, despite the vague and unimpressed looks of the staff, I bought a pair of black pants the style of which were made famous the world over by MC hammer and Arabian slave girls. Now, amateurs might question the match of this style with my figure, but I tell you, draped fabric around my mid-section and tight ankles only serves to ENHANCE my inverted triangle figure. My friends, along with the staff of that shop, clearly don't share the vision de rigeur that you and I do Will... all I get from them is bland looks and the occasional "oh yeeeeah... they're harem pants are theeeeey?". My unfortunatley hairy, unfashionable bf Harv even had to ask me "what are you weeeearing?"... poor git. You see how good I am with the less fortunate 'Wind in the Will-ows'?

Clearly, I am highly qualified for the position and hope that you recognise this and get rid of that emaciated twink Kate asap. I am available to dicuss this application further at any time, perhaps over a glass of pinto gris or a jagerbomb, and can provide references (yes will, references... I've been around you know ;-0)

Come and get me big willy...