Sunday, June 13, 2010

Yes, No, Maybe?

A friend and I recently caught up for lunch. She's just returned from a year and a half of partying, working and... stuff overseas and is experiencing a bit of excitement withdrawal. Her theory is that this sense of isolation comes when you return to your home city and discover that everyone you know is going about their daily grind without much fanfare and definitely without the time to party so hard that they wake up in a gutter with a stranger standing over them rifling through their pockets to find ID and inform the next of kin. I think I know what she means - when the first thing you do of a Saturday is wake up and reach for twitter so you can see what exciting thing has been happening to OTHER people overnight, you know you've got problems. My friend has decided that the remedy for this is not to cry daily and eat her weight in chocolate while watching The Bachelor reruns but instead, she's going to go out and... wait for it... make new friends. SHUT THE EFF UP! I mean, the woman's over the age of 30 - where in God's green earth does she expect to meet these freaks - I mean, new friends? I'll tell you where! The interweb. Yes, you read right, the world wide web - home to online shopping, Nigerian credit card scams and pedophiles alike. Quite the fishing grounds for new confidantes? Hmmmm....

Now, I've got friends (it's true!) but it's an unfortunate fact that half of my very best friends live interstate while the other half are... well, vegan. Anyway, my point here is that maybe I should take the plunge and expand my own friendship horizons. I mean, I like stuff, you know like watching movies, writing blogs and sex outdoors, so I'd say I have a lot to offer a new friend. There's a website called "meetup" that I've been directed to explore and it's, shall we say, very accommodating. It's like shopping for accessories at Diva - it costs nothing AND you can find friends to go with any outfit and take to any occasion. Into being a runway model - OMFG me too! Let's purge together like real besties do - would you hold my hair? Harry Potter fan - shut UP! I'd totally love to go wait outside the cinema for two days to buy presale tickets for the new movie with you! Do you eat entire wheels of cheese whilst wearing nappies and being whipped with coriander stalks? Yay! There's a group for you too!

But what group should I join?I've always wanted to ask the big man upstairs a few questions so I paused and considered joining the Conversations with God group or the Singing with God group (I've heard He's awesome at karaoke and does a killer Bon Jovi cover) but I didn't feel it was quite me. I quite enjoy spending money but the Melbourne Cash Flow group looked a little too intense and reliant on power dressing, shoulder pads and giving each other high fives for me... So after trawling through the groups while I was, well let's be honest while I was at work, I found that there's a perfect group for me amongst all of the 100's of possibilities; the Melbourne Vampire Meetup Group. How fucking cutting edge and exciting could I be then? Forget about waking up to check twitter feeds - I'd need to wake up and check if I still have a pulse. Talk about living on the edge! AND, I'm what we call a fuller figured lady so all that black, draped clothing would be H. O. T. and tres slimming. Plus, being a night-dwelling being, I'd still have plenty of time for coffees, brunch and movies with my tanned day-dwelling friends. This is what we call a win-win situation.

What I need help with now is best practice in regards to securing a new bff. I was really hoping that a folded note left on their chair saying "Do you like me - Yes, No, Maybe (please circle!) If yes, how much do you like me? _______________ (please describe)" would do the trick. Alternatively, I had considered making sure I had the very best blood in the group and would use it as leverage to trade with other vamps and make them like me.... no? Making new friends is HARD and TIME CONSUMING and awkwardly URRGH so surely there's some way to cut out all that and just get to the friendship bit... I've got it! It's so simple and was staring me in the face the whole time - I'll wait til all my new vamp buddies are asleep and then stake them all but my one new friend so there's no competition and they'll HAVE to be my friend. Yes, yes. That's what I'll do. What a good friend I will be.... Best Friends forever, and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.... my precious new friend.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

J-Lo and the Actor's Studio

Well it's been awhile. I have a few good excuses, but I'm fairly certain you're about as interested in the rest of my life as I am (which is not very). So let's just say I've had a lot on and, in between the made drug fueled orgies, curing type 2 diabetes in Africa and winning a Pulitzer for literature, I've just had no time to sit down and do some proper blogging.The good news is, I've got a plethora of topics to write about since taking a break... so... yep... here we... ah... go... I guess...

I have been off sick today and felt the need to engage in some really deep, snotty thinking. So I watched the new J-Lo movie "The Back-Up Plan". Yes, I know you're all rolling your eyes and huffing and puffing about just how shite J to the Lo is at acting. I mean, "Gigli" was so bad it was almost an anti-orgasm and is officially one of the worst movies of all times. And let's face it, the rest of her filmography reads like upchuck on a Saturday morning city pavement - full of corn and bow tie pasta. Let's see, there's "Maid in Manhattan" a heartwarming tale in which a hot, poor girl meets a hot, rich man, then there's "Angel Eyes" in which a hot, working class girl meets a hot, troubled rich man and, just to mix it up, she also did "The Wedding Planner" in which a hot, savvy business woman meets a hot, romantically promiscuous rich man... SOUND FAMILIAR? To her credit, she does mix up her approach to characterisation; she goes from cleaner and hotel maid in blue and white uniforms to classy executive in sharp white suits in the blink of a movie. So fucking diverse! My favourite movie of hers has got to be, without a doubt, the 2 hour face-palm entitled "Enough". Haven't seen it? REALLY? How do you sleep at night? It's the dramatic tale of a woman who suffers at the hands of her violent husband only to run away, train in some kind of beaten woman's boot camp, and come back to kick his mother fuckin' ass in a good old fashioned woman on man beat down. I can still see the scene where she's training and punching and sweating and her motivational coach screams "When do you quit?", she replies "Never", "When do you stop hitting?", "Never", "When will you be a victim"... you see where this is going don't you? Brilliant writing. Nail biting performance. Gold. Yet, in another Oscar's scandal, it was overlooked for any nominations. I mean, not even best screenplay - it's a fucking travesty!!!
But I digress. So, "The Back-Up Plan". Well, it's no beat down movie but it's still nice enough. Kind of like crumpets - warm and gooey but a bit annoying to eat and always a little funky after they've sat in your guts for an hour or so. Also, they make you poop dry cement. But again, I digress. It's all about a single woman who, having decided she can't wait for "the one" to show up, gets artificially inseminated. What happens next Danielle?, I hear you gasp. Well, in a crazy plot twist, immediately after doing the deed with the turkey baster she meets "the one". IKNOWRIGHT? CANYOUFREAKINBELIEVEITILOVEJUSTINBEIBER?
So, yep, meets the hot, rich, farmer guy literally minutes after leaving the doctor's office and what do you know, they live happily ever after. It's fine, and I giggled a bit through the film,but more than anything I totally GET the underlying message. Allow me to sum it up for you:

All the single ladies, if you are sick of waiting for "mr right" DO NOT PANIC. Just go out, get drunk, join a cult, get arrested or anything else that is relatively ill-considered and DESPERATE and you'll be sure to have him land in your lap within 24hours. It's TRUE! This plan is foolproof!! I know that I'm sure sick of waiting so I'm off to get my flange waxed and snort a kilo of coke - tomorrow should be like waking up on Christmas morning. I wonder what he'll look like!