Thursday, June 3, 2010

J-Lo and the Actor's Studio

Well it's been awhile. I have a few good excuses, but I'm fairly certain you're about as interested in the rest of my life as I am (which is not very). So let's just say I've had a lot on and, in between the made drug fueled orgies, curing type 2 diabetes in Africa and winning a Pulitzer for literature, I've just had no time to sit down and do some proper blogging.The good news is, I've got a plethora of topics to write about since taking a break... so... yep... here we... ah... go... I guess...

I have been off sick today and felt the need to engage in some really deep, snotty thinking. So I watched the new J-Lo movie "The Back-Up Plan". Yes, I know you're all rolling your eyes and huffing and puffing about just how shite J to the Lo is at acting. I mean, "Gigli" was so bad it was almost an anti-orgasm and is officially one of the worst movies of all times. And let's face it, the rest of her filmography reads like upchuck on a Saturday morning city pavement - full of corn and bow tie pasta. Let's see, there's "Maid in Manhattan" a heartwarming tale in which a hot, poor girl meets a hot, rich man, then there's "Angel Eyes" in which a hot, working class girl meets a hot, troubled rich man and, just to mix it up, she also did "The Wedding Planner" in which a hot, savvy business woman meets a hot, romantically promiscuous rich man... SOUND FAMILIAR? To her credit, she does mix up her approach to characterisation; she goes from cleaner and hotel maid in blue and white uniforms to classy executive in sharp white suits in the blink of a movie. So fucking diverse! My favourite movie of hers has got to be, without a doubt, the 2 hour face-palm entitled "Enough". Haven't seen it? REALLY? How do you sleep at night? It's the dramatic tale of a woman who suffers at the hands of her violent husband only to run away, train in some kind of beaten woman's boot camp, and come back to kick his mother fuckin' ass in a good old fashioned woman on man beat down. I can still see the scene where she's training and punching and sweating and her motivational coach screams "When do you quit?", she replies "Never", "When do you stop hitting?", "Never", "When will you be a victim"... you see where this is going don't you? Brilliant writing. Nail biting performance. Gold. Yet, in another Oscar's scandal, it was overlooked for any nominations. I mean, not even best screenplay - it's a fucking travesty!!!
But I digress. So, "The Back-Up Plan". Well, it's no beat down movie but it's still nice enough. Kind of like crumpets - warm and gooey but a bit annoying to eat and always a little funky after they've sat in your guts for an hour or so. Also, they make you poop dry cement. But again, I digress. It's all about a single woman who, having decided she can't wait for "the one" to show up, gets artificially inseminated. What happens next Danielle?, I hear you gasp. Well, in a crazy plot twist, immediately after doing the deed with the turkey baster she meets "the one". IKNOWRIGHT? CANYOUFREAKINBELIEVEITILOVEJUSTINBEIBER?
So, yep, meets the hot, rich, farmer guy literally minutes after leaving the doctor's office and what do you know, they live happily ever after. It's fine, and I giggled a bit through the film,but more than anything I totally GET the underlying message. Allow me to sum it up for you:

All the single ladies, if you are sick of waiting for "mr right" DO NOT PANIC. Just go out, get drunk, join a cult, get arrested or anything else that is relatively ill-considered and DESPERATE and you'll be sure to have him land in your lap within 24hours. It's TRUE! This plan is foolproof!! I know that I'm sure sick of waiting so I'm off to get my flange waxed and snort a kilo of coke - tomorrow should be like waking up on Christmas morning. I wonder what he'll look like!

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