Saturday, January 30, 2010

the view from the middle

I've always wanted to be a mover and shaker. One of my greatest fears in life is that I'll end up ordinary - a realisation which is becoming clearer and clearer as I get older. It's dawning on me like the fog of a big night out lifting the morning after, as chip by chip and sip by sip of a McDonald's double quarter pounder meal, you realise what an absolute fool you'd made of yourself the night before. That's exactly like this, except spread over a life time.

All through primary and then high school I'd been the best I could be. Top marks, tick. Witty, tick. Well liked, tick. Dependable, tick. The first one you'd invite to a party.... no. Not really. I was never a natural leader so I made up for that lack of inspiration with sheer hard work and discipline which meant that I always held back just a little. One perfect example of this was one of my first highschool drinking parties. My parents, wise sages that they are, allowed me a ration of four vodka cruisers over a period of four hours... of course, being the rebel that I was, I only drank two and gave the other two away. WHAT THE HELL?!?!? Oh to have been that girl - you know THAT girl, the one whose name got called out first to take a shot of schnapps in the kitchen or who was the FIRST one on Monday who got called over to the school canteen line to catch up on the party gossip. I wanted to be that girl, thought I would be and now, I realise, never will be.

All of this, I'm sure you can see clear as crystal, is a sure sign of low self-esteem. Probably. But that's not the point. Clearly I don't want to be streamlining tequila while tucked under a footballer's armpit, but as an adult, I DO want to be the equivalent; a go-to person, an ideas person, someone that others think of as creative and who routinely is invited to conventions as a "key note speaker" and whose name will be echoed through the ages something akin to Beyonce or Winnie Mandella or... you know, Jesus.
Am I asking too much?
I don't think so but I'm just not convinced that I have it in me. I work with and am surrounded by friends who are ideas people - musicians, small business owners, charity workers - and they're all amazing and totally inspirational. Especially from my view which is somewhere behind them, in the middle of the herd. I guess my big question here, dear reader, is when, as an adult, do we stop trying to become what we dream about and start acknowledging who we are?

1 comment:

  1. When they need lethargic speakers instead of motivational ones I'll be set..