Sunday, February 14, 2010

it's home brand bitch

I love grocery shopping - it's a nice, cool temp inside, you can wander and stand and judge and select until your hearts content. NEVER have I had a staff member at Safeway come up and ask if I need a hand? Do I need a different size? Did I realise there was a 2 for 1 special on this style??? No. You get left alone to browse and dream until your basket is overflowing.

Until this: now, I consider myself to be a fairly confident person (note: please disregard previous blogs as I've decided to turn over a new, confident leaf. and if you don't believe that, you can fuck off please). To be fair, if something happens that I don't like, I'll generally be able to articulate what I don't like and through the use of good humour and flattery I'll get the other person to change their mind or at least question their choice. There is, however, one scenario in which I always feel like I should apologise, one scenario that always gives me cause to pause and... well, feel awkward as a hooker in a Mormon modesty suit - buying groceries with a fucking audience.

I HATE selecting my groceries in front of other people. With every item that drops into my basket, I fell them glare and judge - "pfft... you sure you need that jar of nutella? looks to me like you've had enough already"... or the classic "TWO packs of 12 sanitary pads? two? shit, you must bleed like a stuck pig". I skulk by the potato chip racks, snatching a bag like lightning before any curious passers by notice and, in seeing the size of my ass, put 2 and 2 together and dob me in. I'm just waiting for the nasal store announcement - "could the women with the bag of mexican cheese doritos and grated cheddar cheese please put down the family block of Golden Rough chocolate and report to the fruit and vegetable department immediately."

Let me asure you at this point that I am not alone in this issue (yes, it IS an issue) as it plagues many people; a friend of mine said she once cut laps around and around an isle until the shelf packer left and allowed her unobserved access to the tampons. Another friend admitted that she often buy items she doesn't want because she has to waste time fiddling with other less controversial products until the coast is clear and she can swoop in and grab a box of magnum minis from the freezer.

As an aside to this, I ALSO live in food snob heaven - otherwise known on Google maps as Brunswick, Victoria. Honestly, if you dare approach the checkout with one item that doesn't have the words "organic" or "fair trade" or "free range" emblazoned across the box then you're liable to cop a slap across the face from the cashier. I'll just say it right now - I like home brand crunchy peanut butter, I bloody ADORE using the cheapest dolmio sauce I can get my hands on and black and gold label garlic bread is THE SHIT.

So grocery shoppers of the world, rise up and be proud! Let us proudly plonk our bottles of canola oil (at least 1/4 of the price of extra virgin single press olive oil, mind you) into our baskets and boldly eyeball anyone who dares look twice. RISE UP - that's if your fat ass can be bothered... honestly, how do you sleep at night?!?!

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