Saturday, January 8, 2011

Your manners are as rotten as my proverbial...

As this will mark my 30th year on this earth (I know, I know, it's hard to believe I could look THIS GOOD and be THAT OLD), I have become 30 x more wise and sage-like. Please, take this opportunity to cyber-bask in my Buddha-like presence... And no, you cannot rub my belly, as thrilling and hilarious as you may find the idea.
I'd like to fling at you a golden nugget of blogging wisdom like an AFL players hurl human excrement at hotel room walls - USE YOUR MANNERS. Now, this might seem like an odd way to begin the year's blogging but let me explain where this has come from.
Picture this, here I am, innocently driving my sparkling clean car down the Princes Hwy in Melbourne when the traffic comes to a measured stop. As I slow, I innocently proceed to look in my rear-vision mirror, as any innocently rear-vision checking person might, when what do I see? The car behind me screeching to a halt and turning to the side so as to avoid running into my bumper bar. And what do I see next? The scabby faced bogan driving this lowered commodore station wagon that was centimeters from giving my car an unsolicited colonoscopy starts hurling abuse at ME! Yes, ME!?!?! His face is red and puffy and spit and winfield blues are flying out of his mouth like a cheap lawn sprinkler as he calls me (yes, ME the INNOCENTLY DRIVING DRIVER) every name he could lay his fucking bogan tongue to. To be honest, I didn't understand a lot of what he said because I was so incensed at his absolute lack of manners that I found myself screaming "Learn how to brake you fucking ass pirate" out the window. And when I say scream, I mean I went all out with a Jerry Springer style "I don't care what the test says!!!!! He IS MY BABY DADDY!!!!!" type scream.
All trailer trash aside though, what struck me immediately after I drove off was how the captain of the good ship bogan just had NO MANNERS. Honestly, who hurls abuse when a near accident was YOUR FAULT YOU NIMROD?!?! All the man had to do was offer a curt wave through the windscreen as if to say "My that was a close one!" or doff his hat to indicate "carry on old chap" or start singing the reprise from "Where is Love" from fucking Oliver the musical - ANYTHING to acknowledge his fault in the proceedings in a polite way. But no, he resorts to abuse and hand signals and spitting through his poor dental hygiene at me in order to communicate.
So, here is my plea to you all for 2011 - USE YOUR MANNERS. Be courteous and wave in traffic, say thank you to the tram driver and tell your waiter that you enjoyed their service and you certainly hope their career as an actor is successful. It doesn't take much effort but the rewards are enormous. And parents, teach your kids to use their manners. Please don't let it stop when you've established the use of "ta" after they politely pass you a hand full of their own poop when they're 2yrs old. Let's keep the good work going and the expectation for the use of good manners continuing throughout their formative years. I refuse to believe that phrases such as "I apologise" or "I'm dreadfully sorry" or "Shine your shoes gov'na?" are not able to be used in our day and age. So, parents and aunts and uncles and nosy neighbours, I'd like to provide you with a few practical examples of the proper use of manners for your children:
Parent: Jemima, did you enjoy school today?
Jemima: No mother, however I did blow someone under the bleachers which was enjoyable. PLEASE pass the potatoes.
Parent: Jimmy, where are you going to at this hour?
Jimmy: I'm heading out for the evening to score a hit. May I PLEASE hock the television in the guest bedroom father?
Parent: Jimmy, are these pornographic magazines in your bedside drawer?
Jimmy: Yes father, and I do appreciate you allowing me to borrow them. THANK YOU.
Use these as a guide or you just might end up raising your very own bogan-chariot driving, bad mannered douche-bag. PLEASE!


  1. I'm always polite when I nearly rear end someone. It's how us butt pirates roll.

  2. pete you don't even drive a car! oh...

  3. Jemima is one dirty school girl.